I Watched 1990’s Captain America for You

Things don’t always tend to work out the very first time. You need to revisit something, see what works and what doesn’t and improve it until you finally learn from your mistakes and make a masterpiece starring Chris Evans. Luckily, those previous attempts fall into oblivion, because nobody wants to remember them. But here I am, to let you know that before all superhero movies started with “Marvel’s”, we had some odd version of Captain America that starred J.D. Salingers’s son Matt (maybe they thought it would make the film smarter).

So I prepared myself for the arduous task of watching that movie for you. Unfortunately, I was sober when I did it. I wish I had been drunk. As drunk as the guy who decided this film would be a good idea was.

Assemble! Or something.

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1936. Corleone, Sicily. Young Vito’s friends are playing around in the dark, narrow streets of the village and spying on him through the window while he plays the piano for his family. Vito is still an innocent kid who isn’t aware of the tumultuous future ahead of him as one of the most prominent mobsters of…

Ouch! Wrong movie! It’s fine, some incredibly bright and colourful credits just informed me that this is, in fact, Captain America. After my unforgivable mistake, some evil Nazis enter the house and kidnap young Vito, not before forcing him to witness the murder of his entire family. Little they know he will grow up to be Robert DeNiro and will kill them all.

As it turns out, these evil Nazis are turning rats red, because I guess that was fashionable back then. It is the perfect opportunity to show us just how good 1990s special effects were, right? And of course, they want to turn Vito red, too. Oh, I think Don Corleone might be the Red Skull. Which would explain a lot, to be honest.

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But this film doesn’t waste a single minute (who needs build-ups, anyway?), and we are soon in 1943. Project Rebirth is happening and Steve Rogers from California is up to it! That was fast. The story goes straight to his farewell party, and it turns out that Steve is not what you would call a sickly boy, although they gave him a limp so that we can get that “he is different”. Whatever. Also, Matt Salinger is okay, very American-looking, but he cannot replace this:


Nope.


And Steve has a girlfriend, Bernie, even though I thought girls didn’t notice pre-Cap Steve. “I will wait for you, forever and ever and ever”, says she. Oh girl, DON’T.

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As I said, this film doesn’t waste a minute and the next scene is already the transformation, which looks a lot like the birth of Frankenstein. To be fair, this scene in The First Avenger is so great that this looks like a children’s show in comparison. But pretty much the same: he becomes a hunk, his creator is killed by a Nazi, etc, etc. And everyone in this movie wears too much hair gel.

As the plot goes, Cap’s next step is to find out who killed his creator. Don’t know, I was already lost. But he goes somewhere with another guy who looks like Clark Gable. I remember that in the 2011 film Chris Evans now went to cheer up the troops and all that. After this point it’s impossible to concentrate with the film score killing my ears.

As Cap enters some facilities were the bad guys are, we are shocked by the revelation that the Red Skull is in there. Which is yet another thing that confuses me, because it’s only been seven years since Vito was kidnapped, so he must be still a teenager, yet there he is, all grown up, red and spooky. He actually looks like a mix between Jared Leto and Moby.

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Of course, the Red Skull captures Cap. I must point out that we are only 20 minutes into the movie and the plot is completely lost already. To make things even more ridiculous, Skull ties Cap to a rocket, but Cap grabs him by the arm, so Skulls cuts off his own hand to get rid of him. Oh, and the rocket is headed for DC.

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Being the saviour that he is, Cap deviates the course of the rocket just before it kills some kid, and it ends up landing in Alaska in the middle of the snow. So there you go, the whole plot of The First Avenger in 26 minutes.

Jump forward in time! Suddenly, it’s 1993, and the kid that wasn’t killed by the rocket is now the President of the United States. Thankfully, the quality of the image suddenly becomes better, which is a good thing but it also makes it look a bit like a sitcom.

After this unexpected reveal, we find out that a now 70-year-old Vito is living in Italy after asking his plastic surgeon to make him look like Silvio Berlusconi, and he spends his time plotting to destroy the President, because of course he does. And everyone speaks like they are trying really hard. But Silvio (childhood name, Vito) decides that he is going to implant a chip in the President’s brain to control what he does. Very clever.

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But wait! Because somewhere in Alaska, a group of explorers rescue from the snow a block of ice with a red glove attached. It actually reminds me of Encino Man (I love that film). Suddenly, Cap breaks out of the ice and quickly leaves the explorers’ tent. He’s probably spent the last 70 years all frozen thinking about Bernie, so my guess is he is going straight home to hit that.

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To make things even more ridiculous, he walks around Alaska trying to go down south, yet he hasn’t even considered removing his mask to get some air, which, fine. Some helicopters start approaching him and he freaks out, which is stupid, because it’s not like they didn’t have helicopters in the 1940s in the freaking war, STEVE. Anyway, two people in motorcycles (??!!!) step out of the choppers and start chasing him.

Luckily for Cap, the President’s best friend saves him just in time. But he is asking all these annoying questions, you know, so they can save the world. Geez, I honestly don’t know if Steve actually wants to help out or not. But he is probably still thinking about effing Bernie. And then he goes and steals the car, leaving the poor man in the middle of nowhere. My, how stupid can Steve be? Of course, there is a hilarious road trip montage mixed with flashbacks of Bernie and a pop ballad in the background. This movie is so nineties I can’t even.

Somehow, Stupid Steve manages to get to his old house, where old, old, Bernie now lives. I can’t even begin to explain how bad her make up is. And the actors have zero chemistry –or perhaps it’s because Salinger is a terrible actor. The Steve/Peggy scene from The Winter Soldier was far more touching. It also makes zero sense that 70-year-old Bernie has a teenage daughter, but who am I to question the wonders of high-quality filmmaking.

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The President’s friend (Archie, let’s call him Archie), finds out where Cap used to live and tells the President. Which means Cap is screwed, because Archie is being wired by the Nazis! He even goes there to talk to him and gets instantly killed by the bad guys coming after him. Everyone in this film is so dim-witted. But Bernie’s husband is badly hurt, so that means Cap can now have her way with her! Although I don’t think he wants to anymore…

But no! Archie is only slightly injured, because good people never die in this movie. Except for Bernie, who has died off-screen before Cap arrives to the crime scene. Luckily for him, the daughter is played by the same actress, and she is young, so I know what is already going through his head. Although he is never going to get laid with those turtlenecks. Only Michael Fassbender can pull those off.

BYEEEEE, BERNIE

I closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them, the President has been kidnapped and Cap is knocking down a ladies toilet. I don’t even know what’s going on. Bernie2 (the daughter) doesn’t seem too upset, considering her mum just died and his dad is in a coma.

Fight. Fight. Cheesy music. Threats. Zzzzz.

This film has officially stopped making sense, but I just remembered that Silvio wanted to put that chip in the President, only that it’s apparently some sort of serum. Who cares. I can’t stop looking at Silvio’s face, which is even more disgusting in broad daylight.

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Stupid Steve rises again: he takes Bernie2 all the way to Italy, only to tell her that she can’t come with him. What a jerk. She will still kiss him at the end of the movie, of course, because we girls are idiots. Don’t fall for it, Bernie2, he is no Chris Evans! Aaaaaand she follows him anyway.

After I close my eyes again, Cap and Bernie2 have found an old gramophone that was recording Vito playing the piano when he was abducted. And then Bernie2 goes and records it with her Walkman. Hahaha, the nineties are killing me.

This movie is so stupid I can’t even express it with words. After the most absurd chase ever, Steve steals a bike (because that’s faster than him running), and they end up falling into the ocean.

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After another blackout, Bernie2 has been kidnapped by the Nazis and taken to the same place where the President is being held, which means the climax is coming, and therefore, the end of this movie!

The President releases himself from his cell, which means he has done more heroic stuff than Cap himself so far. But just when the President is about to save the day, Stupid Steve shows up and takes all the credit. Jerk.

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He’s doing an internal facepalm at Cap’s stupidity

This movie should be called President. He is even better at fighting and has the time to call for back-up, like a normal person with a minimum IQ would do in these situations.

Finally, in what should be the proper showdown, even though it looks silly, Cap is about to confront Silvio (who is calmly sitting on a chair) when lots of people come out of nowhere. But don’t worry, because the President is there and kicks some ass, even after being shot in the arm. Seriously. All this while the so-called invincible Cap is fighting a 70-year-old dude who runs faster than him.

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Because Cap runs like a wuss, Silvio reaches some huge detonator that hasn’t even been mentioned until now that is going to wipe out the entire continent. Sure. But then Cap goes all cheesy and pulls out a Lloyd Dobler on Silvio, playing the piano thing from the Walkman. You know, like that is going to stop a psychopath. So, realising that he must actually do something about it, Cap hits Silvio with his shield and a very fake dummy falls from a cliff. Cap even breaks the fourth wall after doing this, as stupid as he is. And, contrarily to what I expected, he and Bernie2 don’t end up kissing! But they do cuddle. The end. Ugh.

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This guy is my hero:

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So there you go! 1 hour and 37 minutes of my life that I could have used to catch up with Daredevil – I could have watched two full episodes… I think the conclusion of the film is this:

Categories: Film | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

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One thought on “I Watched 1990’s Captain America for You

  1. Pingback: Introduction to my Pseudo-Live Blog of War and Peace | Corleones & Lannisters

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