I Watched Tommy Wiseau’s The Room and I Have So Many Questions

For the past few months, I have been looking forward to seeing The Disaster Artist. Sadly, it’s not released in Spain until the very end of December, so I thought I’d make the most of it and finally watch The Room, because I have read that it would be so much better if I saw James Franco’s film having knowledge of the baby that set things in motion. And boy, did that blow my mind.

Within the first five minutes, I already had like a billion questions, so I decided to just write them all down, hoping that someone will be able to answer at least one of them, because I really do need answers after watching this masterpiece of sorts, this king of bad movies. Let’s go!

(needless to say, you should have watched The Room before reading this, otherwise it won’t make sense. Or perhaps it won’t make sense even if you’ve watched it. I don’t know)

 

-Why can’t the cast names be superimposed on the images of San Francisco? This constant fading to black is somehow messing with my brain.

-Wait, did they do that on purpose because my brain needs to be messed with to be able to watch this film?

-Why is Tommy (sorry, Johnny)’s suit so big? Can’t hot-shot bankers afford suits their own size?

-Why does that kid want to go upstairs and play with them? Can he really NOT see what is about to happen?

-Is Tommy Wiseau in his seventies? His chest looks like he is a 70-year-old who goes to the gym every day.

-Who on this Earth grabs a rose while having sex and starts throwing around petals?

-Who puts their alarm clock to go off at the minute 28? That is such a random number.

-Whose mum visits their daughter out of nowhere and straight out asks what is wrong? My mum at least says a few trivialities first.

-Who, other than Lisa, considers someone is boring just because they want to buy a house? How is that boring? House decorating is fun!

-Why does Lisa’s mum sound like Siri? Actually, it’s more like the way an auto translate audio sounds like.

-Why does Lisa always sound like she is bored of life?

-Why does everyone in this movie looks like they are in a porn?

-Who begins a so-called seduction like that? Oh, Lisa, that was embarrassing. Unless it actually works.

-Did Mark seriously not see that coming?

-Why is Mark kissing Lisa if he just said that he would never do that to his best friend (the 70-year-old body builder)?

-Why are we suddenly in a 1990s R&B videoclip? Also, doing it in a spiral staircase looks hella uncomfortable.

-Why is Johnny buying roses again? He still has a whole bouquet at home for all his foreplay moves!

-How come the florist didn’t know who Johnny was? Didn’t she just claim he was her favourite customer?

-Is Denny stupid? He is, isn’t he? And know I feel super guilty for calling him stupid.

-Does Lisa ever leave the house?

-Why can’t Johnny move any muscles in his face? I’m officially worried about him.

-The computer business is too competitive? HAHAHAHAHA

Side note: James Franco is going to rock his performance. I can already picture it just by watching this movie.

-He will get wasted if he loves you, Lisa? And if he wants to remain a teetotaler, that means he hates your guts?

-Did ten different people write ten different screenplays and then just threw random scenes from each one together?

-Why is Lisa insisting that Johnny make love to her if she allegedly hates him?

-Why is this the THIRD sex scene and we are only 26 minutes into the film?

-Do Johnny and Lisa have a rose petal fetish?

-Are those the houses from Full House? Or does every house in San Francisco look exactly the same? Like with the park in front of it and everything.

-Who cares about your house and your brother, Lisa’s mum?

-Why is Lisa so cool about her mum having breast cancer? She just told you, why aren’t you freaking out at all?

-Does Tommy Wiseau hate women? I’m starting to get that vibe.

-Who the hell are these two trying to bone a chocolate box?

-Is this still the same movie?

-Does Denny think this is a sitcom?

-Why is Lisa giving mixed signals about Johnny? Do you love him or not?

-Who needs this Denny’s money/drug subplot?

-What is going on, why is suddenly everyone at the terrace roof?

-How did Johnny and Mark come back so soon? Weren’t they taking the thug to the police? Where did they leave him?

Side note #2: it turns out that Zac Efron is playing the thug actor in The Disaster Artist. I can’t wait to watch this movie.

-Is Lisa supposed to be a sociopath? Because she doesn’t really act like she is.

-Was every dialogue in this movie dubbed? Was the sound so terrible when they first filmed it?

-Does Mark also live in that building? Why is he always around?

-Why can’t I stop laughing right now?

-Is there a chance I can read the full original draft for this screenplay?

-Is this how men talk about women where they are alone? Is this real?

-Have we already forgotten about Denny’s drug problem?

-Why is Denny telling his foster dad that he is in love with his girlfriend? And who the hell is Elizabeth?

-An answer! Mark does live in that building.

-What is happening to Lisa’s neck? I can’t watch, I’m literally covering that part of the screen with my hand.

-Who lies down on a couch with their boots on? All the dirt from the street…

-Women change their minds all the time? Really?

-Do you understand life? YOU’RE TEARING ME APART. I’m loving this.

-Who cares about your underwear, Mike? I can actually answer this one: nobody. Nobody does.

-What did just happen? How did he fall? Did I miss something there?

-Who meets up with their mum so often in a big city?

-If you don’t love him anymore, why don’t you just dump him, Lisa?

-Why aren’t you asking your mother about her health? She told you like yesterday that she is dying!

-Were we still using cassettes in 2003?

-Errr… who is this Peter dude?

-Is Mark stupid? Is it because he is pretty? Is he honestly talking right now about Lisa in front of Johnny?

-Did Johnny really need a psychologist to tell him that? I could have told him the exact same thing.

-What is this marathon/chicken conversation even about?

-Johnny was a bus boy and now is a hot-shot banker? How did that happen in only five years?

-Why is Denny sitting on the floor? Can’t he see there are lots of seats in there? Is it because he is dumb?

-Mark, you honestly think the affair is only Lisa’s fault, like you didn’t stick it inside her? You probably still have bruises from the spiral staircase.

-Why is everyone going to Johnny’s house before the wedding?

-Why is Mark’s tuxedo five sizes too big?

-Are we not going to see the actual wedding?

-Is Mark always going to remind us that Johnny is his best friend right before every time he sleeps with Lisa?

-Who chose the music for this film?

-Why does this movie have so much neck kissing?

-What was that catch the ball scene even about?

-Seriously, Lisa, why did you marry Johnny if you can’t stop saying you don’t love him?

-Who in this world believes that girls talk like that when they are alone?

-Aren’t sociopaths meant to act as such with everyone?

-Do common people discuss property sales while jogging? I usually just listen to Hamilton on my iPod.

-Wait, hadn’t Johnny and Lisa married already? What was that tuxedo scene about, then?

-Has anyone ever met a banker with that hair? I feel like this should have started a trend.

-Why is Mike the only one eating birthday cake?

-Is no one outside noticing that Mark and Lisa stayed behind in the house?

-Who is this guy who’s caught them in the middle of the act?

-Like, is he a friend? Should I remember him from earlier?

-Are they really expecting a baby? Where did that even come from?

-Why is that guy whose name I don’t know there again? This is Nikki and Paulo all over again.

Side note #3: if that unknown guy had been Rodrigo Santoro, I might have forgiven this total nonsense of a character.

-Mmm, Lisa, so you are not responsible for your fiancé, whom you’re cheating on with his best friend, while you use him?

-Why do they keep moving the party from inside to outside and so on?

-Why does Lisa have to be the one doing the cleaning if Johnny is the one who made the mess? Answer: because he is an old-fashioned mysoginiiiist (read in Jean-Ralphio‘s singing voice)

-Aren’t Lisa and Mark being super obvious with that dance?

-Why do everyone’s personalities keep changing every five minutes? My messed-up brain can’t take it.

-Are we still not talking about Denny’s drug problems?

-Or Lisa’s mum’s health problems?

-Why is Lisa mad about Johnny’s tape? Don’t you want to leave him anyway?

-Wait, seven years? Hadn’t you been together for five years? Did I mishear that earlier?

-Why, Lisa, WHYYYYYYYY???

-Did Tommy Wiseau make this film only so that James Franco could play him in the future? This looks like the over-the-top parody style Franco excels at when doing comedy.

-I forgot to ask this earlier, but: who has a mosquito net in their city bedroom? Is there a mosquito problem in San Francisco that I don’t know of?

-Why is Lisa’s red dress just lying on the floor?

-Along with a gun?

-Seriously, why was that mini chest with the gun just lying there?

-Was it part of some fetish, like with the rose petals?

-You guys, are you honestly asking Johnny to wake up when he is clearly VERY dead?

-Is Lisa so dumb that she can’t tell by the looks of it that Johnny’s dead? Hahahahahaha.

-I’m loving this.

-An actual sociopath wouldn’t be crying there, right?

-Who discusses those things right in front of a corpse?

-Is Denny on drugs right now? Maybe now is the moment when they’ll finally address it.

-Why didn’t Johnny think of Denny before committing suicide? I feel like he really should have worried about leaving him alone with no means to survive.

-Why is there a rock next to the pool of blood? What kind of games take place in that bedroom?

-Why am I laughing so hard?

-Am I a sociopath?

 

 

Categories: Film | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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One thought on “I Watched Tommy Wiseau’s The Room and I Have So Many Questions

  1. It’s a crazy film. It’s why we all love it so. Nice review.

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